Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
