so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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