history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
