I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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