I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
