my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You can't just leave with hair like that
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
