i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize