OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
