Plan B is the new Plan A
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
