Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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