it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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