also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
