I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
