i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
