This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
