I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
