I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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