You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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