someone threw a dead crab at me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
