Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
