are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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