im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
