He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
