quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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