a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
