did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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