if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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