my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
