Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
