they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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