Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize