i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
