I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
