Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
