if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
