I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just want nice things and good sex
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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