Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
