I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
