At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
