The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
