Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
