The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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