Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
where am i from again
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
