So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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