Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
