She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
