WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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