she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize