The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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