He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
