So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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