Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
