i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
