oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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