Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
