there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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