you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We need to get me chipped asap
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
