Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
