I heard we made out
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
