The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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