Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
