Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
